Trusting God To Be God

When I woke up today, something had changed. My heart felt…lighter. And I remembered my conversation the night before. Many times I had given God my heart and many times I had told Him I loved Him. And I did love Him. I still love Him. But last night’s conversation had made me ready for a few changes.

Best Friends. I was reading a book where the girl referred to God as her best friend. Best friends are special, unique and you tell them everything. I don’t tell God everything. I tell Him when I’m tired, hurting, lonely…I tell Him when I need Him. But that isn’t everything. Everything is when you’re happy, too, and what you like and…those things, small things and big things and stories. And I had never told God any of those before. He already knew them all, He’d made me.

I was scared. I’ve been scared for years. I’ve told many people about my fear of illness. Most the time, they laugh at me or they make me feel like it is a sin to be scared of it. But I had a vicious circle I could not get out of. I was scared of being ill, so I prayed to be better but not for the fear to leave. I wanted that fear because if I wasn’t scared, I wouldn’t pray to be okay, and I would get ill and I was scared of being ill. I still am. When they laughed or gave me the look that said, “Grow up,” I wanted to hide. I wasn’t kidding. I am so scared of illness I get paralyzed with fear.

When I pray, I get so overwhelmed sometimes. There are a million and two people who need prayer and I just couldn’t get them all. When I went to town, I’d see the cars passing by and would start praying for the people inside, the people in the park, the kids and mom at the store, the people in the store, the people driving by the store, the people in the city… And it got so over whelming. I couldn’t pray for them all, I couldn’t help them all.

Last night, I was done. I was sick and tired of being scared and feeling like I couldn’t please God. I was sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed when I prayed.

I couldn’t pray in my head because when I do, my thoughts always try to wonder and it makes me even more overwhelmed. So, I lay on my back on my bed, the room pitch black except the sticky, glowing stars on our ceiling, and I prayed. I told Him everything. I didn’t pray to stay well, I didn’t pray for anyone else, all I did was talk to God. “All I want, Lord, is a friendship. I want to be able to tell you my favorite color and stories and if I like turnips or carrots.” I told Him about the verses I’d found in the last week that I loved because it felt like He was really talking to me. “For I am the Lord that healeth thee,” (Exodus 15:26b.) and “Be still, and know that I am God,” (Psalms 46:10a.) When I read those verses, it was personal. And that was what I wanted, so I told God.

And when I was done, He told me something too. “You can trust Me with your health just as you trusted Me with your heart. Those people in town, I already love them and you can trust Me to save them without having to tell Me to get My attention. I already see them, I see everything. You don’t need to nag me every time you pray to make sure I remember your friends that are hurting. You don’t nag your friends to pray for each other, do you? You can trust Me to remember. Trust Me, I have a good memory. I’m God, remember? And you can always tell Me about your days, the good and bad things. I love to hear about them from you. I love you, remember? I’ve always wanted to be friends, it was you who didn’t seek it. And as for My Book, when you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay. Tell Me about it and I’ll help you out. Promise.”

I found something I didn’t have before. I found more than just God and His immense love that before had left me so awed I got overwhelmed with it all. I found a friend. I’m still scared of being ill, but no longer paralyzed with it. He is worth my trust, He more than just loves me, He likes me. And for the first time in awhile, I have peace. I hadn’t even known I was missing something until finally, I did. He likes me. It is a wonderful feeling to know I can just quietly trust and He can be God. I don’t need to help Him and that is a big relief. He has been God forever, you know. He doesn’t need my help to get it right.

My love for Him hasn’t changed, my awe for Him is still there, but now I can just let Him be God. “Be still, and know that I am God.” Some of the most precious words I have ever heard. I finally learned that I need not be chaotic but can simply rest in Him.

Mandy